Have struggled with closure from my three-week odyssey, and it is now three weeks since it ended. So I am going to put a period at the end of a few sentences collected over the trip
I feel like I am looking for something to happen but that was my life when I was single, waiting for something or someone to come to me. That does not seem the right pattern for me. I need to extend my boundaries and try new things. But what?
On the Sheepscot River overlooking the Wiscasset Bridge where Kathy and I longed to be, but not feeling the rightness, the sense of home here. It’s more of a “So that’s all there is?” It has all the postcard charm you could ask for, but what about the rest?
Had a long talk with the Shanks, ranging over all the ups and downs of our lives. Never more at home than at their house. Spoke briefly about Kathy. My focus continues to blur. Too indecisive. Longing for some clarity. Am I too preoccupied with that? Should I be living the one day at a time without concern for the future? My bywords: “Pay attention.” How does that apply to today?
After the return . . .
Drifting and planning and drifting.
Pay attention. Forgot that on Sunday and got an earful from an irritated woman, whose car I cut off. Deserved every ugly syllable.
I celebrated my 68th birthday for a week, thanks to Becky Sipe, Donna and Steve, Bill T. and Deborah, all of whom underwrote a coffee, a beer, a meal. This a good place to start again.
In my three weeks back at home I found meaning in singing, planning an Advanced Institute, trekking Ford Lake, and a Rogue Hazelnut Brown (good beer). These are not high pursuits, but they remind me of paying attention to the next thing.And friends and loved ones matter, but they are cheering me on, rather than telling me where to go.
My only conclusion is that my work is not yet done. I am not ready to retire or cut back, but I am ready to pay attention to the next project and to some minor detours that keep my focus on the now. When I look into the next year or next several years, the focus gets dim. I don’t have the far-sighted vision I have always demanded, but seldom achieved. It is because I still need to pay attention to the road ahead, especially those drivers coming out of my blind spot.
That is not the closure I wanted, but the closure God has given. So it goes.
Well spoken, It is the journey, not the pace. How well I know. Sometimes it is all we can do to live in the “now” and sometimes peer into the unknown. But It does come together an inch at a time. I love being able to see backward; the various divergences, due to emergences!! What I see is what the Almighty was teaching me. Not looking for anything has many advantages, opening to exciting new paths that seem random but are they? Most of all for me it is making my own way minute by minute without another person’s input. Imagine if you can finding your own true self (like me or not me!) not in someone else’s eye. My worth.,not thy worth. Scary to look in ones self. aha? For me today, a glass of wine, learning something new, unexpectedly going to a new place, it’s all of a piece. Here’s to you and your continued journey right here, right now. No emoticons here so imagine me lifting a glass to you!
Thoughtful and self aware, Bill. The process can’t be rushed or programmed, I’m sure. Know that John and I have you in our prayers and truly value your friendship.
Beverly