All the leaves are brown (All the leaves are brown)
And the sky is gray (And the sky is gray)
I’ve been for a walk (I’ve been for a walk)
On a winter’s day (On a winter’s day)
I’d be safe and warm (I’d be safe and warm)
If I was in L.A (If I was in L.A.)
California dreamin’ (California dreamin’)
On such a winter’s day
The song was released September, 1965. The Mamas and the Papas version haunted us through the winter until it drenched the air waves. I was getting ready to graduate, and finally a song had come along to capture my melancholy, and my dreams. California dreamin’ in the heart of winter.
When you are a senior in high school a lot of things are breaking for you. You have a driver’s license, maybe a job, maybe a college acceptance, maybe a girl friend. O.K. three out of four wasn’t bad. I didn’t have a girl friend, but I did a lot of California dreamin’ about one.
The song made you feel like the winter of Long Island Sound was going to blow over, and you would find yourself dating some California girl who couldn’t get enough of you. It had lonesome lyrics and an expectant melody. How could a song about grey skies and brown leaves sound so hopeful? Because you could dream yourself into expectations. Probably my most hopeful/ hopeless dreams involved Julie Christie (Dr. Zhivago), Jane Fonda ((Cat Ballou), and Claudine Auger (Thunderball). In that era sexiness involved rescue by some courageous male, not to mention curves in the right places. Considering my courage usually fell short of asking a girl out on a date, my fantasies were a bridge too far from reality.
I remember the song playing in the background that June at Terri’s birthday party. Terri was a girl in my math class. I was pleased to be invited to her party; her crowd was pretty much my crowd. The song gave me just enough hope to ache for someone when there was no someone on the horizon yet. I remember her party was outdoors, the music and the weather were sundown warm, and I was California dreamin’.
Terri sat down next to me on her patio and politely asked about my plans for after graduation. We were both headed for college, both to small liberal arts schools, both English majors, both unattached, although Terri was on the rebound from a fall relationship. That intimidated me a little, because it meant she was more experienced. But she was very sweet with curly, shoulder length brownish hair and barely an inch taller than I was. And I could tell she was available.
My built-in melancholy rule was that I should date girls who were Christians, though not necessarily Presbyterians. Still how did you know a girl’s spiritual condition, if she went to another church, and you didn’t share the same religious life together? Your best bet was to date ab intra ecclesia, within the church. And yet I was not so attracted to girls within my own church. The cutest ones were Catholic. That stymied my dating expectations.
Stopped in to a church
I passed along the way
Well I got down on my knees (Got down on my knees)
And I pretend to pray (I pretend to pray)
You know the preacher likes the cold (Preacher likes the cold)
He knows I’m gonna stay (Knows I’m gonna stay)
California dreamin’ (California dreamin’)
On such a winter’s day
The song even had a church in it. I was pretty sure Mama Cass was praying for guidance about romance when she “stopped into a church.” As it turned out, she only “pretended to pray.” Still she was in a church, where I knew anything could happen. If there was a difference between “California dreamin’ ” and “praying,” I did not think much about it. I hoped God would notice my longings and find me a life partner in my senior year of high school. A little disconnected from reality, I was.
Terri made it perfectly clear she liked me. I think we even talked about church a little to establish we had common spiritual ground. She gave all the right signals. My senior summer stretched ahead with the possibility of checking the fourth box of my great expectations. I just had to reach out . . .
If I didn’t tell her (If I didn’t tell her)
I could leave today (I could leave today)
Why didn’t I tell her I liked her? Why didn’t I ask her if she had seen Thunderball or Cat Ballou? Why didn’t I suggest dinner at Central Avenue Pizza? Scared. Paralyzed by religious compunctions stronger than desire. I can feel them in the pit of my stomach today fifty years later. I can see Terri searching my eyes, I can hear the tidal pull of
California dreamin’ (California dreamin’)
On such a winter’s day (California dreamin’)
On such a winter’s day, (California dreamin’)
On such a winter’s day
It wasn’t winter in the air, but winter in my dreaming. Winter in my hapless soul. Sorry, Terri.